The School of Hard Talks

How to Have Real Conversations with Your (Almost Grown) Kids

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“Think you can ‘create’ the perfect child? Dream on! Then stop dreaming and start reading this book. We can’t control our kids’ life trajectories, but we can create relationships with them that are genuine, warm, and encouraging. Here’s your road map!”
—Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and founder of the Free-Range Kids movement

Want to have better relationships with the teens and young adults in your life? Backed by research, this practical, engaging guide by a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist will help you connect and communicate.

A great relationship is founded on mutual respect and understanding--especially as young people grow into independence and relate to their parents in a new way. Learn how to connect with your young adult children in this practical guide using techniques that focus on not on inducing compliance but rather on respecting their thoughts and understanding their motivations.

  • Discover why parents get on their older kids’ nerves and why young adults tend to dismiss parents’ input. 
  • Understand how to suppress your parental “righting reflex” – the almost irresistible urge to help by offering reassurance and advice.
  • Learn what young people really think and feel, to help them figure out to navigate their decisions and dilemmas competently on their own.
  • Handle conflict in a way that is productive and nurtures the relationship.

A five-step program based on Motivational Interviewing gives parents simple take-aways to have conversations about any topic, whether it is curfews, sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, or college applications. Each chapter includes sample scripts and concludes with practical takeaways to get parents started immediately on having better conversations—and more rewarding relationships—with their young adults.
Emily Kline, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and writer in Boston. She has held faculty positions in psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine and Harvard Medical School. She completed her bachelor’s degree at Haverford College, her graduate training at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, and her clinical and postdoctoral fellowships at Harvard Medical School. She lives with her husband and children who graciously beta-test her experiments in family communication, and a dog who can't be reasoned with at all.
Parents are under pressure. It comes from school deadlines, the competitiveness of social media, and the judgments of extended family, but mostly it comes from within. Many of us have internalized to some extent the idea that our children are an extension of ourselves. When our kids struggle, we feel the shame of having somehow failed. When they succeed, we bask in their glory, confident we must have done something right.

In this book, I’m going to challenge that view. Parents cannot control how their kids turn out. Whether kids wind up earning a lot of money, developing depression, or summitting Mount Everest doesn’t reflect much on the competence of their caregivers. Expectations about how they should dress and talk; whether we push them toward advanced classes or after school jobs; whether we allow them to go out with friends on school nights or attend parties – your opinion about these issues matters mostly to the extent that your adolescent cares what you think. Therefore, the most important work of parenting an adolescent is not controlling your child’s path, but rather creating a relationship of trust and mutual respect.
“Dr. Kline offers practical, research-based tools that build the trust and respect that teenagers crave and allow growing families to thrive. My only regret in reading this book is that I didn’t have it when my own kids were teenagers!”
—Robert Waldinger, MD, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness
 

“Think you can ‘create’ the perfect child? Dream on! Then stop dreaming and start reading this book. We can’t control our kids’ life trajectories, but we can create relationships with them that are genuine, warm, and encouraging. Here’s your road map!”
—Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and founder of the Free-Range Kids movement

"Informal, engaging, and inspiring...It belongs in every public library."
--Booklist, Starred Review

"Psychologist Kline’s guide to navigating challenging conversational topics centers around asking questions and encouraging teens to find their own solutions..."
--Library Journal

 
“Dr. Kline has written a readable and wonderful book that integrates research and everyday family situations. I happily recommend this book for every parent who wants to learn what we know about communication to improve family relationships.”
—Ken Duckworth, MD, NAMI Chief Medical Officer and author of You Are Not Alone


“Actionable, evidence-based, and compassionate, The School of Hard Talks gives parents a road map to have more effective discussions with their teenage and young adult children.”
—Jeanette Park, cohost and cocreator of the Model Minority Moms podcast


“Dr. Kline’s scholarly authority and science-based perspective are made approachable by the warmth and humor of her writing. The School of Hard Talks is a must-read, particularly for parents of adolescents and children on the verge of those challenging teen years.”
—Adam Stern, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of Committed: Dispatches from a Psychiatrist in Training
 
 
The School of Hard Talks outlines a real-world way to talk to your kids about their real-world problems. Kline has created a pragmatic method that cuts through the buzz of adolescence and fosters true two-way conversations.
—Daniel Hinds, creator of Stories Podcast
 
 
“Borrowing from therapists’ best techniques for influencing individuals in their care, Dr. Emily Kline offers an indispensable and evidence-based set of tools for exiting cycles of closed-off or antagonistic communication with our almost-adults.”
—Yael Schonbrun, PhD, clinical psychologist, host of the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast, and author of Work, Parent, Thrive
 
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About

“Think you can ‘create’ the perfect child? Dream on! Then stop dreaming and start reading this book. We can’t control our kids’ life trajectories, but we can create relationships with them that are genuine, warm, and encouraging. Here’s your road map!”
—Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and founder of the Free-Range Kids movement

Want to have better relationships with the teens and young adults in your life? Backed by research, this practical, engaging guide by a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist will help you connect and communicate.

A great relationship is founded on mutual respect and understanding--especially as young people grow into independence and relate to their parents in a new way. Learn how to connect with your young adult children in this practical guide using techniques that focus on not on inducing compliance but rather on respecting their thoughts and understanding their motivations.

  • Discover why parents get on their older kids’ nerves and why young adults tend to dismiss parents’ input. 
  • Understand how to suppress your parental “righting reflex” – the almost irresistible urge to help by offering reassurance and advice.
  • Learn what young people really think and feel, to help them figure out to navigate their decisions and dilemmas competently on their own.
  • Handle conflict in a way that is productive and nurtures the relationship.

A five-step program based on Motivational Interviewing gives parents simple take-aways to have conversations about any topic, whether it is curfews, sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, or college applications. Each chapter includes sample scripts and concludes with practical takeaways to get parents started immediately on having better conversations—and more rewarding relationships—with their young adults.

Author

Emily Kline, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and writer in Boston. She has held faculty positions in psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine and Harvard Medical School. She completed her bachelor’s degree at Haverford College, her graduate training at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, and her clinical and postdoctoral fellowships at Harvard Medical School. She lives with her husband and children who graciously beta-test her experiments in family communication, and a dog who can't be reasoned with at all.

Excerpt

Parents are under pressure. It comes from school deadlines, the competitiveness of social media, and the judgments of extended family, but mostly it comes from within. Many of us have internalized to some extent the idea that our children are an extension of ourselves. When our kids struggle, we feel the shame of having somehow failed. When they succeed, we bask in their glory, confident we must have done something right.

In this book, I’m going to challenge that view. Parents cannot control how their kids turn out. Whether kids wind up earning a lot of money, developing depression, or summitting Mount Everest doesn’t reflect much on the competence of their caregivers. Expectations about how they should dress and talk; whether we push them toward advanced classes or after school jobs; whether we allow them to go out with friends on school nights or attend parties – your opinion about these issues matters mostly to the extent that your adolescent cares what you think. Therefore, the most important work of parenting an adolescent is not controlling your child’s path, but rather creating a relationship of trust and mutual respect.

Praise

“Dr. Kline offers practical, research-based tools that build the trust and respect that teenagers crave and allow growing families to thrive. My only regret in reading this book is that I didn’t have it when my own kids were teenagers!”
—Robert Waldinger, MD, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness
 

“Think you can ‘create’ the perfect child? Dream on! Then stop dreaming and start reading this book. We can’t control our kids’ life trajectories, but we can create relationships with them that are genuine, warm, and encouraging. Here’s your road map!”
—Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and founder of the Free-Range Kids movement

"Informal, engaging, and inspiring...It belongs in every public library."
--Booklist, Starred Review

"Psychologist Kline’s guide to navigating challenging conversational topics centers around asking questions and encouraging teens to find their own solutions..."
--Library Journal

 
“Dr. Kline has written a readable and wonderful book that integrates research and everyday family situations. I happily recommend this book for every parent who wants to learn what we know about communication to improve family relationships.”
—Ken Duckworth, MD, NAMI Chief Medical Officer and author of You Are Not Alone


“Actionable, evidence-based, and compassionate, The School of Hard Talks gives parents a road map to have more effective discussions with their teenage and young adult children.”
—Jeanette Park, cohost and cocreator of the Model Minority Moms podcast


“Dr. Kline’s scholarly authority and science-based perspective are made approachable by the warmth and humor of her writing. The School of Hard Talks is a must-read, particularly for parents of adolescents and children on the verge of those challenging teen years.”
—Adam Stern, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of Committed: Dispatches from a Psychiatrist in Training
 
 
The School of Hard Talks outlines a real-world way to talk to your kids about their real-world problems. Kline has created a pragmatic method that cuts through the buzz of adolescence and fosters true two-way conversations.
—Daniel Hinds, creator of Stories Podcast
 
 
“Borrowing from therapists’ best techniques for influencing individuals in their care, Dr. Emily Kline offers an indispensable and evidence-based set of tools for exiting cycles of closed-off or antagonistic communication with our almost-adults.”
—Yael Schonbrun, PhD, clinical psychologist, host of the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast, and author of Work, Parent, Thrive
 

Photos

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