Before They Were Men

Essays on Manhood, Compassion, and What Went Wrong

Gender nonconforming thought leader and bestselling author Jacob Tobia offers a paradigm-shifting argument for fundamentally reframing how we think about men.

The conversation about masculinity, patriarchy, and misogyny has never been so prominent or heated. Alarmed by a new generation of angry, broken young men, genderqueer writer Jacob Tobia sets out to explore what’s going on and comes to a shocking conclusion: Emotionally and spiritually speaking, men and boys may be the ones suffering the most under the gender binary right now.

Tobia should know. For their gender-defying adolescent heart, the nonconsensual process of being “made a man” was crushing. After spending a lifetime fleeing manhood and masculinity, they dare to ask the question: What happens if we stop understanding men as categorical beneficiaries of patriarchal institutions and start understanding them for what they are—co-survivors of patriarchy itself?

In a series of personal and revolutionary essays, Before They Were Men argues that we must rewire much of our framework of feminism. Through this much-needed nonbinary intervention into a two-sided discourse gone stale, Tobia boldly posits compassion and empathy as the forces that will lead men—and us all—to a brighter future. Urgent, surprising, and counterintuitive, their book covers topics such as

• the unspoken body image issues and dysmorphia confronting men and boys
• the difficulty of challenging a world that glorifies war, aggression, and the violence of men
• the case for rethinking, and ultimately retiring, counterproductive terms like “toxic masculinity” and “male privilege”

From exploring the abuse endured by men in the name of gender norms to addressing the myriad failures of feminist discourse in grappling with men’s suffering, this book calls everyone—men, women, and nonbinary people alike—back to the table.
© Oriana Koren
Jacob Tobia (pronouns: they/them) is a gender nonconforming writer, producer, and performer based in Los Angeles. A member of the Forbes 30 Under 30 and the OUT 100, Jacob made television history voicing the nonbinary character of Double Trouble in Netflix’s She-Ra and The Princess of Power. Their writing and advocacy have been featured by The New York Times, Time, The GuardianGood Morning America, and The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, among others. Originally from Raleigh, North Carolina, Jacob has worn high heels in the White House twice. Sissy is their debut memoir. View titles by Jacob Tobia

About

Gender nonconforming thought leader and bestselling author Jacob Tobia offers a paradigm-shifting argument for fundamentally reframing how we think about men.

The conversation about masculinity, patriarchy, and misogyny has never been so prominent or heated. Alarmed by a new generation of angry, broken young men, genderqueer writer Jacob Tobia sets out to explore what’s going on and comes to a shocking conclusion: Emotionally and spiritually speaking, men and boys may be the ones suffering the most under the gender binary right now.

Tobia should know. For their gender-defying adolescent heart, the nonconsensual process of being “made a man” was crushing. After spending a lifetime fleeing manhood and masculinity, they dare to ask the question: What happens if we stop understanding men as categorical beneficiaries of patriarchal institutions and start understanding them for what they are—co-survivors of patriarchy itself?

In a series of personal and revolutionary essays, Before They Were Men argues that we must rewire much of our framework of feminism. Through this much-needed nonbinary intervention into a two-sided discourse gone stale, Tobia boldly posits compassion and empathy as the forces that will lead men—and us all—to a brighter future. Urgent, surprising, and counterintuitive, their book covers topics such as

• the unspoken body image issues and dysmorphia confronting men and boys
• the difficulty of challenging a world that glorifies war, aggression, and the violence of men
• the case for rethinking, and ultimately retiring, counterproductive terms like “toxic masculinity” and “male privilege”

From exploring the abuse endured by men in the name of gender norms to addressing the myriad failures of feminist discourse in grappling with men’s suffering, this book calls everyone—men, women, and nonbinary people alike—back to the table.

Author

© Oriana Koren
Jacob Tobia (pronouns: they/them) is a gender nonconforming writer, producer, and performer based in Los Angeles. A member of the Forbes 30 Under 30 and the OUT 100, Jacob made television history voicing the nonbinary character of Double Trouble in Netflix’s She-Ra and The Princess of Power. Their writing and advocacy have been featured by The New York Times, Time, The GuardianGood Morning America, and The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, among others. Originally from Raleigh, North Carolina, Jacob has worn high heels in the White House twice. Sissy is their debut memoir. View titles by Jacob Tobia

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